Something peculiar is happening. About 2-3 weeks ago I realized that my thoughts were getting clearer, I was less compulsive about eating, I had the mental space to make decisions, and could string words together to make a sentence.
I (finally) feel like I’m pushing up through the fog that has been over and around me for the last two years! Things that would make me anxious and rage-y are but annoyances. I have the desire to create again, to write again, and to connect again. Having an awareness of what I was coming out of gives me a lot of perspective on that period of prenatal/postpartum craziness. No freakin’ wonder I struggled so much with food! I literally did not have the brain capacity for that level of thought processing. I liken it to me asking my toddler to give me her dissertation on the social implications of Sesame Street and old-school Mr. Rogers. She simply does not have the capacity because her brain isn’t there yet. It would be cruel to expect that of her. What she needs is nurturing, love, acceptance, discipline, and knowledge in order to grow into a healthy, strong woman who can give that dissertation if she so chooses (which would be pretty rad, not gonna lie). My 2018 self wants to go back to my 2017 self and snuggle her tight; her mind and body were fighting for survival! She wasn’t lazy, sloppy, gluttonous, or greedy. She was a mother******* warrior that fought every day to be alive for her husband and kids. Oh, the things I wish I could go back and tell her.
God has been so good, I could just shout. He allowed that two-year, fog-covered hole where every attempt to get out of it was like trudging through molasses in winter. He allowed it because I needed to see His faithfulness when my life was falling apart. God allowed that season so I could experience what it felt like to hold on for dear life, with His arms holding me up, and His hands holding my brokenness together. I needed that season when everyone seemed to have checked out, so I could work to create strong bonds with the people that matter. God rendered me incapable of doing what I loved most so I could see that HE is what matters. I know I still have a long, long way to go but I know the goodness of God in a way I never would have had I not gone on this detour.
Friends, I don’t know what season God has asked you to walk through but I will tell you this: He is faithful. He has never let His people go, and He won’t start with you. But hope, dangerous word that it is, when placed in Christ Jesus does not disappoint. Taste and see that He is good.
Hebrews 6:19a: “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast.”